Are you tired of being whipsawed by fluctuations in the stock market? Are you worried about the state of the Euro? Perhaps you would like to shift your assets into the most traditional and, dare I say, classiest form of investment, precious metals. If so, GOLD To Go® may have your solution.

If you’re considering cashing in your AIG stock, why don’t you think about taking the proceeds and visiting your nearest GOLD To Go® gold vending machine? That’s right, GOLD To Go® vending machines offer gold bars, South African Krugerrands, Australian Kangaroos, and Canadian Maple Leafs, all in weights up to one ounce (apparently the full-size gold bricks that you admired in the film Goldfinger are too unwieldy for these machines, so you might consider buying a pile of Krugerrands, melting them down, and creating a personalized gold brick yourself). Not only do these machines offer gold in a variety of forms, the machines themselves are covered in gold leaf, lending them an even classier air that will cause the faithful Diet Coke machine that’s located down the hall from your office to pale in comparison:

A coating of gold leaf lends an even classier air to these vending machines

GOLD To Go® is a product of a company called Ex Oriente Lux AG. According to the GOLD To Go® website, Ex Oriente Lux AG has an intriguing history:

December 2007: Established with a capital fund of 0.95 million Euros (Note: 0.95 million Euros sounds a lot larger than 950,000 Euros, doesn’t it?)

January 2008: Focus on rural development and renewable energies in South Eastern Europe

June 2008: Focus on agricultural land, especially establishment of olive orchards

August 2008: Increase of capital to 2.4 million Euros by admission of additional shareholders

July 2009: Expansion of business activities into the field of precious metals

One might quibble that an initial focus on olive orchards, agricultural land, and renewable energy that shifts to gold vending machines is a bit random, but I have no doubt that Ex Oriente Lux AG knows what it’s doing (perhaps they’ll unify their focus in the near future by offering truffle vending machines to well-heeled gourmands worldwide).

If you find yourself in Germany, Austria, or Switzerland (or perhaps soon on Worth Avenue), why don’t you stop by a GOLD To Go® vending machine and pick up some Krugerrands? You’ll be joining many happy customers who are sleeping just a little bit better knowing that their assets are now securely stored beneath their mattresses.

Oliver Booth

Two happy GOLD To Go® customers

Despite my repeated protests, David Desmond has continued to portray me as a fictional character, a figment of his imagination, a whimsical creation with which he can do as he pleases. That is simply not the case.

If I saw fit, I could produce a birth certificate issued by the great state of Pennsylvania to document my provenance (if I could only find it in all of this rubble), but, instead, I will present to David Desmond something that should be even more persuasive. Sir, allow me to introduce you to my parents!:

My parents

I’m not looking quite so fictional now, am I?

I just hope for David Desmond’s sake that my mother never hears of the aspersions that he has cast or he might find himself the defendant in a lawsuit.

Oliver Booth

That’s right, it seems that Oliver Booth has discovered Twitter:

http://www.twitter.com/oliverbooth

This means that Twitter has now become universal, or, more likely, that its days are numbered.

David Desmond

At the risk of being accused of jumping on a bandwagon, here are the ten things that I, Kenneth Keen, can’t live without. I can assure you that they are better than the things that Messrs. Flagg and Booth find indispensible:

1. My assistant – He is a jack of all trades, but, I must say, master of none. That’s my job. He shall remain nameless, primarily because I have trouble remembering his name. Jeremy something, I think.

2. On War by Carl von Clausewitz – You might be surprised to see that I have chosen this volume rather than The Art of War by Sun Tzu. Simply put, On War is my bible, and the pseudo-spirituality of The Art of War makes it less appealing to me. I prefer sentiments such as, “War is an act of force to compel our enemy to do our will.” How does this relate to interior design, you may ask? Apparently you’ve never met any of my clients. When traveling, I carry two copies of this book, one in English and another in German. I don’t speak German, but that version tends to keep my seatmate at bay when I’m provided with less than spacious accommodations on a long-haul flight.

My well-worn copy of "Vom Kriege"

3. Sunglasses, Prada at present – Like Anna Wintour, I wear them whenever I am outside my apartment because they enable me to see out while others cannot see in. I think of them as armor for my soul.

My currently favored sunglasses, combined with an unfortunate shirt

4. Kimonos – As a practicing Buddhist, the wearing of a kimono allows me to feel at one with my chi. I also appreciate the ventilation on steamy summer afternoons.

A kimono, Prada sunglasses, and a pair of sandals from John Lobb (not shown) complete the look of Kenneth Keen

5. My Vertu Constellation – And they say status can’t be bought! Yes, I admit that this phone cost me well over $5,000, and I further admit that this phone has no camera, no GPS, and no high-speed data capability, but it does what it does, and it does it well. It makes calls and it impresses others.

I have no doubt that you would envy my list of contacts, which are loaded into my phone by my assistant

6. Louis Vuitton luggage – Since I don’t believe in traveling light, and porters are readily available in most modern airports (Prague’s Franz Kafka International Airport aside), I travel with a matched set of Louis Vuitton luggage in Monogram Canvas that consists of four Alzer 80 Anglais cases (they’re wider than the standard Alzer 80s, so I can fit even more of my purchases into them after one of my frequent shopping expeditions) and, as a carry-on, a Messenger GM Bosphore for my business papers and essential accessories (e.g., item numbers 2, 3, 5, 8, and 9).

The Louis Vuitton Alzer 80 (my "Anglais" version is slightly roomier)

7. Durian – Let’s get the objections to this fantastic fruit out of the way first. Some have suggested that its flavor is akin to eating sweet raspberry blancmange in the lavatory and that your breath will thereafter smell as if you’ve been French-kissing your dead grandmother. As suggested by the following video, its odor has been likened to that of pig droppings, turpentine, and onions, garnished with a gym sock. Other comparisons have been made to sewage, stale vomit, skunk spray, used surgical swabs, and a rotting corpse. Despite its great popularity in southeast Asia, this fruit is prohibited in establishments such as hotels, subways, and airports. Satisfied? Alright, on a more positive note, Durian contains vitamin C, potassium, and the serotonergic amino acid tryptophan, and it is a good source of carbohydrates, proteins, and healthy fats. Just plan on eating it when you’re alone. Trust me on this, I’m banned from Singapore Airlines for life due to an inadvertent indiscretion with this fruit.

8. Santa Maria Novella Water – Made by Dominican friars since 1614, Santa Maria Novella Water is the height of what I would describe as “chic spirituality.” Originally called Acqua Anti-Isterica, it contains essential oils from plants known for their relaxing and calming properties. Popular in the days when women wore tightly laced corsets that caused hyperventilation and hysteria, it produces a generally calming effect, which can be quite useful in the cutthroat world of interior design. I simply inhale directly from the bottle or mix two teaspoons with a half cup of water and then sip. On those occasions when its calming properties are insufficient for my needs, I also rely on the following item.

Santa Maria Novella Water, the height of chic spirituality

9. Ambien – One must get one’s rest, oftentimes despite the cacophony associated with in-flight “entertainment” such as the film Bride Wars and the nosy meddling of one’s seatmate.

Before Ambien became available, housewives treated themselves with Milltown, Darvon, and Percodan

10. Champagne – Not just any champagne, the 1995 Krug Clos Ambonnay. Among champagnes, it is one of the rarest and most expensive. Much like myself.

The best of the best

Kenneth Keen

As promised and after much reflection, here are the ten things that I can’t live without:

1. My pince-nez – I would be blind as a bat without it, and, in my opinion, it gives me a bit of a rakish look.

The pince-nez, as worn by our 26th President

2. The Kyocera S1000, my trusty portable phone – Given the demands of the Palm Beach social scene, I never leave home without it, and since it can store up to 200 contacts, I’ll be able to make more than 175 new friends before it will be full.

The Kyocera S1000, a state of the art communications tool

3. My Microsoft Zune – Truly the pinnacle of high-technology, it has provided me with hours of entertainment now that the boy at Green’s Pharmacy has finally loaded it with my Mel Tormé, Johnny Mathis, and Perry Como CDs.

The Microsoft Zune (no, I don't know who Paul Oakenfold is either)

4. My Citroën – On page 48 of the compendium of my so-called misadventures, David Desmond describes my vehicle as making “flatulent brapping noises.” Flatulent brapping noises, indeed! My vehicle is a reliable workhorse, just like all cars that are made in France.

Perhaps our troubled American automakers should take a lesson from their French colleagues

5. Stubbs & Wootton slippers – Those few sidewalks that one might find in Palm Beach are so perfectly maintained that one can perambulate in slippers without a second thought. I swear by them.

Make a statement while walking in comfort

6. Brilliantine pomade – Call me old-fashioned, but this product keeps my hairs in place even in the face of the strongest tropical winds.

I too am confused by the word "Mortality" on the label

7. Air conditioning – I never require heat, even when others consider it to be bitterly cold outside, but I always feel on the brink of collapse when the temperature rises above 70 degrees.

Not the most fashionable of units, but it will do in a pinch

8. Hello! and Majesty magazines – Some will probably say that I’m cheating by listing two magazines, but I consider both to be essential reading, with the former focusing on celebrated English commoners and the latter focusing on their betters.

The wedding of an exotic Indian couple is the cover story in this issue of Hello! magazine

A commoner becomes royalty in 1986, as covered by Majesty magazine

9. The Shiny Sheet – The paper of record in Palm Beach. Best read along with a glass of the next item.

This dapper dandy is no doubt an avid reader of the Shiny Sheet

10. Champagne – A libation that is drunk like water on this very special island. I favor Sueur d’Aisselle, an exclusive label that I first encountered during a festive New Year’s Eve celebration at the Morningwood Club.

Wasteful behavior like this is quite uncommon in Palm Beach

Oliver Booth