With its beautiful weather, peaceful atmosphere, and close connection with nature, Palm Beach can often seem like a tropical paradise, but it’s that close connection with nature that can sometimes get us into trouble. In this instance, I’m not referring to the hurricanes that track through here during the steamier months (although they’re on the way), I’m talking about the vultures, foxes, possums, and, in particular, the raccoons that make this island their home. I highlight raccoons because, whenever the opportunity arises, they enjoy availing themselves of our modern conveniences by relieving themselves in our swimming pools, the problem being that their feces can be quite toxic to humans. I’ve tried many unsuccessful strategies to scare them away, but they keep returning, so I’m going to try one last trick: coyote urine. Yes, yuck, but coyote urine is considered to be a powerful deterrent to a variety of wild animals, including raccoons.
You might say that the use of coyote urine to combat raccoons is an odd choice for a blog post, but I discovered a resource while doing my research that has made my dilemma much more tolerable. Like the Three Wolf Moon t-shirts that have attracted close to 2,000 satirical reviews on Amazon.com and the Topeka Abortionplex that has quickly racked up almost 300 fake reviews on Yelp.com, Deerbusters Coyote Urine Lure has elicited a number of reviews that are particularly entertaining. Here’s a sample:
I am not sure why this product is advertised as a “lure,” since it is obviously meant to repel deer and other creatures wary of coyotes. I myself do not have deer problems, living in a Manhattan condo, but I do have a rather willful Cavalier King Charles Spaniel named Sir Winston who aggravates me to no end with his aggressive behavior, incessant barking, and refusal to obey my commands. Quite simply, I just don’t get no respect from him. I have tried discipline, bribery, psychotherapy, and even physical restraints, but nothing works. After Sir Winston chewed up and peed on my $1200 Amedeo Testoni loafers, I knew I had to get serious.
The coyote urine smelled no different from the hundreds of other urines I have smelled. Perhaps I was expecting something gamier or muskier than your average urine. For a moment I was afraid that someone might have simply urinated into the container, trying to pass it off as coyote urine. Brushing my doubts aside, I went to the bathroom, removed my shirt, and then liberally applied the coyote urine to my body–under my chin, on my torso, rubbing it into my arms–until I fairly reeked of the pungent odor. I stepped out of the bathroom and called to Sir Winston. Not surprisingly, nothing happened. I went to search for him and found him in the kitchen, peeing on my Cuisinart. The moment I came in, however, his body seemed to tense, and he turned around quickly, whimpered, scrambled off the counter and ran to the living room to hide under the sofa. I followed him to the sofa, got down on my hands and knees, and called to Sir Winston. He responded with a high-pitched whine. You can imagine how powerful and in-charge I felt.
“Sir Winston!” I yelled, “Come out now and face your master!” Sir Winston crawled out, crouching low, and looked up at me with humility and fear. “I am top dog now, and you will obey me!” Sir Winston actually seemed to nod his head–quite a change from his usual response of biting my ankle. “Go now to your room and repent your past disobedience!” I yelled, and then, for good measure, I flexed my chest and arms and growled, “ARRRRGGGHHH!!!” Sir Winston bolted to his room as if the very Devil himself were chasing him.
My success with Sir Winston has led to my wearing coyote urine all the time and growling whenever anyone crosses me. The other junior partners at the firm where I work have developed a new respect for me, and even the senior partners have begun to give me a wide berth. I am now experimenting with other predator urine, including wolf and bear, but coyote remains my favorite.
***** – Viktor 57, Fairview, Your Favorite State, USA
I bought a single jug of Deerbusters Coyote Urine a few months ago to beat the drug tests that my job has been making me take. I am a pretty heavy pot smoker and thought this would be a great value for me, since I could last a year or so on one jug and my employers would be none the wiser. Well, forget about that! I now have a nearly full jug of pee sitting around and NO JOB!! The urine tested positive for both heroin and a methamphetamine, which I would never use and don’t think “coyotes” use either. I wrote Deerbusters and Amazon, asking for an explanation and a refund, citing that, clearly, this is NOT coyote urine! Also, I demanded that Deerbusters fire the employees tasked with filling these jugs full of their pee, since they’re obviously high off their rockers and don’t deserve their jobs.
* – Marka Twaina, Florida
First, I think this smells more like Dingo urine. However …
In order to get this onto an airplane with the three ounce limit, I tried to pour it into another small container, but it spilled onto my baby, who was crawling under my legs at the time, and she got eaten by a bear. Unless there is a three ounce version of this product, I’m not carrying it on an airplane. I would have given it 5 stars, except that I had to remove one star for the bear accident.
**** – A. Woolfson
I suffer with chronic blephritis (inflamed eyelids) and nothing my doctor has prescribed worked. In desperation I researched naturopathic remedies and came across ‘urine therapy.’ This involves taking one’s own urine from the first emission of the day and, while still warm, adding a few drops to each eye. I needed 3 shots of vodka before I could pluck up the courage. Anyway, it didn’t work. This stuff on the other hand is brilliant! My blephritis is still severe but now I see really well in the dark!
***** – Jackie
I’m sure that some people resort to more extreme measures when battling these pests, but let’s hope that Deerbusters Coyote Urine Lure does the trick. I’m sure Viktor 57 wouldn’t steer me wrong.
David Desmond
I assume this man is unfamiliar with Deerbusters products.
… but I’m particularly fond of our t-shirts, which are presented here by a selection of our highly trained models:
